Waitrose install microphones on every till to make sure staff don’t make jokes

author avatar by 4 years ago

Following the forced resignation of Waitrose food critic William Sitwell, after he made a joke about killing vegans, the supermarket chain has sent out a warning to all staff that the same will happen to them if they dare to demonstrate a sense of humour that deviates from what they consider ‘safe’.

Simon Williams, CEO of the chain, told us today that it was important that staff just ‘smiled and grabbed the cash’.

“People have criticised us for the way that we have handled the Sitwell situation, but how do we know he was joking? He didn’t announce that he was going to be making a joke, didn’t run it past the board for approval and I cannot remember seeing a memo about it? Maybe he genuinely wants to kill vegans? And we obviously wouldn’t condone that.”

However, an undercover NewsThump investigation has discovered that Vegan Hunting is now outlawed as a sport and has been banned since around the same time as the ban on foxhunting came in.

Our underground source told us, “It is true that Vegan Hunting is banned, due to the Dodo effect; they will actually just innocently wander up to you and tell you that they’re a vegan, even if you are holding a gun and wearing an ‘I’m on a vegan hunt’ t-shirt, so it’s considered unsporting.

“I doubt very much that anybody in Mr Sitwell’s position would consider breaking this law, given the expected consequences.”

Meanwhile, it is thought that Waitrose will continue to deploy their usual ethical stance within their stores. This basically involves selling products, which are exactly the same as those sold in other supermarkets, for ten times the price to people who don’t know any better.