People who haven’t been into their local bank since 1978 irate that it’s closing

author avatar by 5 years ago

News of further local bank branch closures on the high street has outraged a general public who have been exclusively using cashpoints and online banking for years.

Simon Williams, a 33-year-old from Winchester, told us today, “This is just another example of how the vital public services on the local high street are being diminished; it’ll be the Post Office’s next, you mark my words. We are heading for a dystopian hell.”

However, when we asked him where his local branch was and when he last used it, his answer seemed surprisingly vague.

“Umm, I think it’s still on the corner, next to…oh no, hang on, that’s a Wetherspoons now, umm, anyway, I remember going there as a kid and it was great. They had pens on chains and everything.

“But it’s not about the likes of me, I’m always on the go, I’m just one of those guys, but what about the poor people, who like banks and stuff? I’m outraged for them, that’s for sure.”

It is thought that the worst affected may be older customers, like Mary Scott, who we stopped as she was leaving the bank to pay in her Grandson’s pocket money, to ask if she would miss the branch.

“Of course I won’t,” she explained, “I’m only here to pay the bairn’s money in, the lazy little shit. I do everything on my iPad and usually just pay contactless these days.”

There is still some hope for staff employed in the doomed branches, however, as people with nothing better to do and little idea of how businesses work, continue to be incensed on behalf of people who don’t exist.