Tuesday 12 February 2019 by EssBee

‘Jesus Saves’ posters to be removed across the world, after he discovers he’s no match for Gordon Banks


Gordon Banks NewsThump obituary

Gordon Banks glided through the Pearly Gates today and has already demoted Jesus to the second-best saver, after making a brief appearance in the Paradise reserve team.

St Peter, who asked the legend what he would like to do on arrival, said that he couldn’t wait to pull on a pair of gloves and get started training for the first team.

“Obviously we gave him his fitness straight back and we had his eye waiting for him and he just came in and got started, like the legend he is. We are all in awe of him up here and think that we will almost certainly beat the Norse Gods next Saturday.”

It is believed that Banks will replace former Soviet keeper Lev Yashin, who has been number one since he was signed in 1990.

“We are building a hell of a team here now, if you’ll pardon the expression, and we are delighted to have him with us.

“His family, the football community and all of those who loved him in life, can be absolutely assured that he is having a real career resurgence and he’s looking forward to them watching him play in the future. He’s on cloud 9, so to speak!

“He’s come straight in as our number one and he’s playing in the best team he’s ever been part of. He’s having a pint of golden nectar with Alan Ball and Jimmy Armfield at the minute, they are having a right old catch up.

“Just remember down there, you haven’t lost him, he’s just slipped offside for a little while.”

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