Migrating birds to be denied entry back into the UK in the spring following Brexit

author avatar by 5 years ago

The quaint old British saying of ‘one swallow doesn’t make a summer’ might be a right load of old bollocks within a matter of months after the government announced today that new immigration laws would extend to wildlife.

Secretary of State for the Environment, Michael Gove, told us today that he only wanted birds and animals in the UK who would ‘commit all year around’.

He went on, “We can’t have creatures, birds especially, just coming over here when everything is rosy, eating all of the berries, having sex with the locals and then buggering off to the continent when the going gets tough. Where would we be if we all did that?

“We wouldn’t put up with it from doctors and nurses, even if they were second generation, so we aren’t having it with these scrounging, feathery bastards.”

It is believed that, if the wellbeing and morale of the other animals in the countryside is generally improved by the move, they will be offered a referendum to vote on whether they would like a cull of those who choose to hibernate.

Squirrel Williams who, along with his brethren, is active all year round, told us today that it was about time something was done.

“We work hard throughout the year, maintaining the forest and surrounding areas, yet those who either bugger off on holiday or, worse, just sleep think that they can swan back in here and just have a lovely summer? Bloody immigrants, coming in here and stealing our stockpiled food. It has to stop.”

Mr Gove has refused to either deny or confirm plans to have marksmen positioned along the south coast, in order to shoot any birds trying the enter the country illegally.