New primary school teacher has already realised that most children are complete shit-squirrels

author avatar by 6 years ago

A newly qualified primary school teacher, who has spent the last six years studying, whilst looking forward to teaching fun classes of perfect little angels, has taken only five days to realise that they are mainly a bunch of needy, unruly twats who hate him.

Simon Williams, who chose a career in teaching after seeing adverts for the profession showing impossible scenes of harmony and mutual respect between student and teacher, has now fully admitted he was duped.

He told us, “I was so excited to land this job, straight out of uni and into teaching, it was like a dream come true. But now I just feel betrayed, bedraggled and broken. They look so pleasant when they get dropped off by their parents, but as soon as they are on their own, their little demon eyes light up.

“I’ve had books thrown at me, been sworn at, painted and pissed on. I found a shit in the corner that nobody would own up to and I’ve got five holes in my arse from them putting drawing pins on my seat.

“Little Jack gobbed in my coffee, Ellen puked on the show-and-tell table and then sweet little Lucy drew a cock and balls in it with her finger and wiped it on my trousers. I’m at my wit’s end.

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“I’m going to have a few days off, I’ve got a bad tummy and my Mum has written me a note. She’s going in to talk to the headmaster tomorrow to see if they can move me to a new class.”