Syphilis and Gonorrhoea to be named as ‘most improved diseases’ at national awards ceremony

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This year’s British Awards for Infectious Diseases (BAID) is set to be dominated by comeback kings Syphilis and Gonorrhoea, following their fantastic performances to become the most improved diseases of the year, with increases of 20 and 22 per cent respectively.

It is a real boost for STIs in general, with Bird Flu dominating in recent years, with its ability to quickly resist new antibiotics.

Speaking to our reporter earlier, an excited Syphilis told us, “This is an amazing time for STIs and we hope that we can build from here. Obviously, in this country at least, AIDS has gone from being a top performer to simply a bit of a nuisance, with the advent of antiretroviral drugs, so it’s important that we step up our game.”

Gonorrhoea agreed, adding, “This prize isn’t just for us, it is a defiant message to all so-called ‘controllable’ conditions that says ‘we will not be defeated’.”

It is disappointing news for early favourite Cirrhosis, who has been badly affected by increasing alcohol prices and unhelpful advertising campaigns.

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It told us, “To be honest, we knew that we were going to be up against it this year, as people turn to casual sex without getting pissed first, but we will be back, hopefully via the obesity crisis and untreated fatty liver disease.”

There are also likely to be changes in the minor awards, with both Man Flu and PMT being disqualified this year, due to ‘over exaggeration’, leaving the ‘small ailments’ award to Conjunctivitis, whose strategy of targeting hay-fever suffers during the warm spring seems to have paid off.

It is thought that the seating arrangements at the 2018 event will be more carefully planned this time around, following last year’s incident when Nausea was sat between Herpes and Flatulence.

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