Boris Johnson unveils roadmap for going back into lockdown in the summer
Boris Johnson has set out his roadmap for moving England out of lockdown in the spring and back in again in the summer.
Government to make new Brazilian variant available to everyone in UK ‘within weeks’
The government has confirmed that it expects the new variant of the coronavirus recently discovered in Brazil to be made available to everyone in the UK within the next few weeks.
‘That’s all you get for thirty quid after Brexit’ confirm Chartwells
The company contracted to provide free meals to school children has justified the meagre amount of food provided in their hampers by claiming that a few tins of baked beans and a couple of bananas are all you get for £30 in post-Brexit Britain.
Curse of 2020 strikes again as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT
Further proof that 2020 is cursed has emerged after singer Chris Rea confirmed that his 2012 Ford Focus has failed its MOT due to a leaking oil pump.
UK negotiators to play Robbie Williams’ Christmas song on repeat until EU accepts their demands
Boris Johnson has instructed his Brexit negotiators to play the new Robbie Williams’ song ‘Can’t Stop Christmas’ on repeat until the EU begs for mercy and meets their demands.
Man hailing the return of blue passports has no intention of ever going anywhere ‘foreign’
Brexit supporter Simon Williams has claimed that the £500m spent on reintroducing the blue-but-also-sort-of-black British passport is worth every penny even though he has no intention of ever applying for one.
American protestors demand the resumption of mass shootings
Thousands of Americans have taken to the streets to protest against the restrictions on mass gatherings due to COVID-19 and to demand that their civil rights to congregate and be shot at by heavily armed mentalists are reinstated.
Chris Grayling orders 400,000 turkeys for the NHS
The government is regretting asking disaster-prone former Minister Chris Grayling to procure PPE for frontline medical staff after 400,000 turkeys were delivered to the NHS.
DWP declares Captain Tom Moore fit for work
Fundraising hero Captain Tom Moore has been assessed as fit to work by the Department of Work and Pensions it has emerged.
Prince Andrew to step back from whatever the f*ck it is he does
The Duke of York is to step back from doing whatever it is he does with immediate effect, it has been confirmed.
Nigel Farage unveils the Night King as Brexit Party candidate for European elections
Nigel Farage has announced that the supreme leader and first of the White Walkers is to stand as a candidate for his Brexit Party in the forthcoming European elections.
Christmas ruined as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT
Further proof that this year has been cursed has emerged after singer Chris Rea confirmed that his 2010 Ford Focus has failed its MOT due to a faulty oil pump.
Theresa May hoping to secure lucrative trade deal with Nigerian Prince
Theresa May is hoping to use her trip Nigeria today to firm up the details of a lucrative low-risk deal with a Prince she has been in email correspondence with over recent months.
Russia to respond to Gavin Williamson speech as soon as they stop laughing
Kremlin diplomats have confirmed that they will provide a full response to Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson’s call for Russia to ‘go away and shut up’ once they have all stopped pissing themselves laughing.
Snow forces Audi driver to moderate driving style from ‘total bell-end’ to ‘dick’
Audi driver Simon Williams has acted on advice about how to drive in snowy conditions by changing his driving technique from his usual ‘massive bellend’ to a more cautious ‘bit of a dick’.
Hurricane Harvey declares President Trump a disaster
Hurricane Harvey has declared that President Trump is a disaster likely to cause massive amounts of damage to everyone caught in his path.
United Nations to send Kendall Jenner to Syria with a truck load of Pepsi
The UN has asked fashion model Kendall Jenner to intervene in the conflict in Syria by taking cans of Pepsi to bring the government and rebel forces together.
Man demanding return of blue passports has no intention of ever going anywhere ‘foreign’
Leave voter Simon Williams has claimed that the £500m to be spent on reintroducing the blue British passport is worth every penny even though he has no intention of ever applying for one.
Next Wednesday not that good for us, says EU
The European Union has told Theresa May that it won’t be around next Wednesday and asked if she wouldn’t mind triggering Article 50 some other time.
Jeremy Corbyn tells Arsene Wenger ‘the real fight starts now’
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has sent a message of support to beleaguered Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger following the Gunners humiliating exit from Europe last night.
BBC launch inquiry after Fiona Bruce eats Greggs Steak Bake during Six O’clock News
The BBC has launched an immediate inquiry into the circumstances surrounding Fiona Bruce devouring a meat-filled pastry while reading the Six O’clock News bulletin.
Christmas tree wondering what the f**k it’s done wrong
A Christmas tree in Edinburgh’s fashionable New Town is pondering what heinous act it could have committed to warrant being left out by the communal bins to be urinated on by passing dogs.
Santa’s elves call 24-hour strike for Christmas Eve
The Christmas Elves and Associated Reindeers Union have confirmed that they will join the RMT and Post Office workers in carrying out industrial action over Christmas.
Curse of 2016 strikes again as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT
Further proof that 2016 is cursed has emerged after singer Chris Rea confirmed that his 2010 Ford Focus has failed its MOT due to a faulty oil pump.
Boss in Christmas jumper still a complete c**t
Staff at an Edinburgh Letting Agency have concluded that their boss is still a total bastard despite the Christmas jumper he has decided to wear for their office party.
Paul Nuttall confirms he got his PhD from Trump University
UKIP leader Paul Nuttall has hit back at claims that he lied on his CV by confirming that he was awarded a university doctorate by Trump University, the now defunct organisation set up by Donald Trump.
Donald Trump asks Michelle Obama to stay on as First Lady
President-elect Donald Trump has countered accusations of nepotism by offering the role of First Lady to Michelle Obama.
Institute for Fiscal Studies changes economic outlook to a picture of Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream’
The IFS has downgraded its forecast for the UK economy from ‘robust’ to a picture of Edvard Munch’s iconic exploration of existential angst ‘The Scream’.
Nigel Farage captivates Donald Trump with tales of almost winning South Thanet
Nigel Farage and Donald Trump have been comparing election campaign stories at their recent meeting with the interim Ukip leader regaling the president-elect with tales of the time he almost won Thanet South in the general election.
British IS fighter wondering if his old job at Currys still available
A British man currently fighting for Islamic State in Mosul is said to be reassessing his commitment to global jihad and wondering whether he might get his old job back at Currys in Walsall.
