Government to make new Brazilian variant available to everyone in UK ‘within weeks’

The government has confirmed that it expects the new variant of the coronavirus recently discovered in Brazil to be made available to everyone in the UK within the next few weeks.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson said he is confident that due to the government’s consistently half-arsed approach to border controls and repeated mixed-messaging the roll-out of the new variant will be rapid and widely accessible.

“I understand that the new mutation was discovered in Japan but has been traced back to Brazil,” said the Prime Minister.

“Well if Japan can have the new variant why can’t Britain?

“As the virus changes and adapts, so Britain must change and adapt to be a major global power in a post-Brexit world, this means accepting new Covid mutations from South Africa and Brazil, and not just ones from Europe.

“I’m confident that due to our policy of letting pretty much anyone enter the country in the middle of a deadly pandemic this Brazilian mutation of the virus will shortly be spreading with impunity throughout the UK.”

The Prime Minister has rejected calls from some experts for a tightening of border restrictions and stricter quarantining for anyone arriving in the UK from abroad.

“No we won’t be doing any of that,” confirmed Johnson.

“Everyone knows that my government never bows to pressure, and I can say with complete certainty that we will not introduce tighter controls at airports or enforce strict quarantining – absolutely not, no chance, no-way Jose, 100% no and that’s final… oh go on then.”

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