Thursday 14 January 2021 by Boris Johnson

Government’s post-Covid plans for killing people include nuclear strike and water poisoning

Boris outlines plans

With the vaccine programme meaning that excess deaths due to the Covid will hopefully soon come to an end, the Government has set up a working group to explore new ways it can kill people.

“A key goal of any Tory government is causing huge numbers of deaths amongst the population,” explained Government spokesperson Simon Williams.

“We started strong with the Austerity programme ten years ago – that caused countless deaths, then we had a quiet few years where we didn’t really put enough effort into killing people.

“Happily, Covid came along so we could take advantage of that, and give a really half-arsed and incompetent response to that that would see unnecessary deaths shoot up.”

Keen to avoid accusations of complacency, the new working group is already coming up with new, innovative ways to kill people post-Covid.

“That’s right. I think poisoning the water supply is currently the favoured option,” continued Mr Williams.

“Although, there is also support for just a quick, simple, targeted nuclear strike on somewhere like Leeds.

“Rest assured though, whatever happens, remember we’re Tories. We’re certain to find a way to keep killing you all.”

However, despite the repeated stated intention to kill as many people as possible, the Tories still lead in the opinion polls.

“Well, yeah, I’d probably still vote for them,” explained one Tory supporter.

“I mean, yes, most of the things they do will mean more people will die, but Labour? Well, they’ll just put taxes up won’t they?”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt and mask here!

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