Gianni Infantino to remain FIFA President after two delegates mysteriously eaten by piranhas at FIFA summit
Gianni Infantino is to remain president of FIFA following an emergency summit at his secret lair inside a dormant volcano.
Remorseful right-wing commentators wishing there had been some sort of clue that Trump was a democracy-denying war-mongering narcissist
Far-right enabling ‘journalists’ have expressed their shock that Donald Trump has turned out to be exactly what everyone else has been calling him for the last decade.
Whistle-blower claims no one involved in snowboarding has any idea what’s going on
A commentator working for the BBC at the Winter Olympics has claimed that nobody involved in snowboarding, from judges, commentators, to the competitors themselves, has any clue what the sport is actually about.
Christmas ruined as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT
Further proof that 2025 is one of the worst years on record has emerged after singer Chris Rea confirmed that his Ford Focus has failed its MOT due to damaged suspension.
Tommy Robinson supporters struggling to understand arithmetic involved in government’s ‘one in one out’ scheme
Supporters of far-right rabble-rouser Tommy Robinson have reacted with confusion over the government’s ‘one in one out’ immigration policy after struggling to work out how the system will work in arithmetical terms.
Nigel Farage begins epic quest to find Reform UK candidate who isn’t a complete nutjob
Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has embarked upon a countrywide trek to find a candidate to stand for the party who isn’t a Jimmy Savile-supporting, Nazi-sympathising, women-hating nutjob.
Remorseful right-wing commentators wishing there had been some sort of clue that Trump was a democracy-denying narcissist
Far-right enabling ‘journalists’ in the UK have expressed their shock that Donald Trump has turned out to be exactly what everyone else has been calling him for the last 10 years.
European leaders threaten to hold more meetings until Putin withdraws from Ukraine
European leaders have issued a stark warning to Vladimir Putin that unless Russian troops withdraw from Ukraine they will be forced to respond with a series of emergency summits and conferences.
Sir Jim Radcliffe to cut Manchester United first team squad down to Bruno Fernandes and four others
Manchester United co-owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe is set to reduce their playing staff down to five players in a bid to cut the club’s wage bill.
Lee Anderson to replace Gary Lineker on Match of the Day
Controversial Reform MP, 30p Lee Anderson, is to present BBC Match of the Day after regular host Gary Lineker steps down at the end of the season. The BBC said that in the interest of impartiality, Anderson would take over presenting duties and would be joined in the studio on Saturday evenings by former Home
Christmas ruined as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT
Further proof that 2024 is one of the worst years on record has emerged after singer Chris Rea confirmed that his Ford Focus has failed its MOT due to damaged suspension.
Family left distraught after Winter Wonderland turns out to be very festive and great value for money
A family of four from Glasgow have been left shocked and disappointed after a Winter Wonderland event they attended in the city turned out to be a wonderful experience which left them all feeling very Christmassy.
Manchester City fans up in arms after hopeless manager given new contract
Manchester City fans have reacted in fury after their team lost 4-0 at home to Spurs just days after hapless manager Pep Guardiola was awarded a 1-year contract extension.
Daily Mail dusts off ‘SNOWMAGEDDON!!’ headlines as light flurries expected in Highlands next week
The Daily Mail is continuing its campaign to scare the shit out of its ageing readership by readying its annual ‘SNOWMAGEDDON!!’ headlines ahead of an anticipated cold snap next week.
Lee Anderson favourite to replace Gary Lineker on Match of the Day
Controversial Reform MP, 30p Lee Anderson, is to present BBC Match of the Day after regular host Gary Lineker steps down at the end of the season.
Middle East peace talks to resume now that Liam and Noel are sorted
The UN has announced that peace talks aimed at ending the Israel-Gaza conflict will resume now that Oasis have reunited and the Gallagher brothers have ended their feud.
New definition of extremism will exclude racists who give the Tories £10M, confirms Michael Gove
Communities Secretary Michael Gove has confirmed that the Government’s new definition of extremism will not extend to racists who donate large chunks of cash to the Conservative Party.
Christmas ruined as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT
Further proof that 2023 is one of the worst years on record has emerged after singer Chris Rea confirmed that his Ford Focus has failed its MOT due to damaged suspension.
Left-wing ‘woke’ Legionella bacteria responsible for Bibby Stockholm evacuation, insists Suella Braverman
Home Secretary Suella Braverman has confirmed that migrants have been removed from the Bibby Stockholm barge after traces of ‘left-wing, tree-hugging, woke legionella bacteria’ were found in the water.
Lee Anderson to replace Gary Lineker on Match of the Day
Controversial Tory MP 30p Lee Anderson is to present BBC Match of the Day until an agreement is reached with regular host Gary Lineker over his use of social media.
Northerners would only spend levelling up cash on fags, booze and whippets, claims Sunak
Rishi Sunak has defended the allocation of more levelling up money to the south-east of England by claiming that people in the north would only spend the cash on cigarettes, alcohol and dog racing.
BBC to introduce adult soundtrack on Red Button for all FA Cup matches
The BBC is to offer viewers the option of listening to a sexualised soundtrack on the Red Button for all FA Cup games following a successful trial during the Wolves Liverpool Third Round replay.
Christmas ruined as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT
Further proof that this year has been the worst on record has emerged after singer Chris Rea confirmed that his 2010 Ford Focus has failed its MOT due to damaged suspension.
Suella Braverman confirms Channel migrants will be fired back into English Channel by giant trebuchet
Migrants who arrive by boat in the UK seeking asylum are to be propelled back into the English Channel using enormous trebuchets under new proposals unveiled by Home Secretary Suella Braverman.
Jacob Rees Mogg accused of using Commons chamber to look at saucy etchings
Conservative MP Jacob Rees Mogg has been accused of perusing racy lithographs and saucy etchings whilst sitting on the front benches of the House of Commons.
Christmas ruined as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT
Further proof that this year has been cursed has emerged after singer Chris Rea confirmed that his 2010 Ford Focus has failed its MOT due to damaged suspension.
Priti Patel confirms migrants will be fired into English Channel on giant trebuchet
Migrants who arrive in the UK seeking asylum are to be propelled back into the English Channel using enormous trebuchets under new proposals unveiled by Home Secretary Priti Patel.
Boris Johnson to mark anniversary of lockdown by skipping Cobra meeting and shaking hands with Covid patients in ICU
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has confirmed that he will mark the first anniversary of lockdown in the traditional fashion by failing to attend a crucial Cobra meeting and then visiting a local hospital to shake hands with Covid patients in intensive care.
Misleading parliament is totally unacceptable – unless it’s in Westminster, insist Tories
Conservative politicians have confirmed that anyone found to have breached the ministerial code by misleading parliament should be forced to resign – unless the breach is by a Tory and the parliament in question is in Westminster, in which case it’s completely fine.
Manchester United to put Marcus Rashford’s Gold Blue Peter badge in trophy room
Manchester United have confirmed that Marcus Rashford’s Gold Blue Peter badge will be put on display in their trophy room, and have claimed that the honour should also guarantee the club automatic qualification into next season’s Champions League.
