Northerners would only spend levelling up cash on fags, booze and whippets, claims Sunak

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Rishi Sunak has defended the allocation of more levelling up money to the south-east of England by claiming that people in the north would only spend the cash on cigarettes, alcohol and dog racing.

“We looked at the allocation of cash across the regions and came to the conclusion that those areas in most need of extra cash were Tory constituencies in the south-east,” said Sunak. 

“It may seem that many of these areas are already quite prosperous, but there are some families in safe conservative seats in the south that won’t get a skiing holiday this winter. And of course, the opera is so expensive these days. It can be grim down south too you know.

“People in the north-east aren’t interested in things like skiing and the opera, and would only blow any extra cash on drinking pints of beer in those single-storey flat-roofed pubs that you see sitting on waste ground up there.

“We could allocate millions to improve town squares across the north, but that would only encourage the locals to sit outside smoking their cigarettes – or ‘tabs’ as I believe they’re called – and drinking cans of super strength lager. Well, when they’re not all in the bookmakers putting bets on the dog racing that is.” 

The Prime Minister also defended the £19m awarded to his own constituency of Richmond. 

“The allocation of funds is locally led by evidence,” said Sunak. 

“And all the local evidence suggests that the Richmond Conservative Club doesn’t have a swimming pool and steam room. So it’s a no-brainer really.”

Rishi Sunak’s Cabinet of Arseholes – see them all here!