Sir Jim Radcliffe to cut Manchester United first team squad down to Bruno Fernandes and four others

Manchester United co-owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe is set to reduce their playing staff down to five players in a bid to cut the club’s wage bill.

The move comes on the back of 200 redundancies announced earlier this week, though Radcliffe has told staff further cutback are necessary while the on-field performances remain ‘less than garbage’.

“We did a cost-benefit analysis,” says Head of Accounting Simon Williams. “And it’s pretty clear that the players are a major drain on resources, considering what we currently get back in return.

“We have a weekly wage bill of about £3.5million. That’s £3.5m a week to be 15th in the league and 17 points behind Nottingham Forest. Casemiro alone gets £350k a week and doesn’t even start most games because he’s too knackered after the warm-up.

“We’ll keep Bruno, because he’s occasionally good and we’ll keep Harry McGuire because he’s got a big car for away games and is quite good in goals.

“He’ll come in handy after we’ve sacked Andre Onana. We’re not going to be relegated because the teams below us are even more shit than we are, so we have to ask ‘do we really need a full-time goalie?’’

It is understood that manager Ruben Amorin will remain in post for the immediate future.

“Yes, Rubin will be kept on for now,” says Williams. 

“But he’ll have to double up as a steward and help with the catering on match days.

“We’ll have to cut his wages too – it’s one thing to get paid £6.5m for being a title-winning tactical genius, but not really worth it when your main job is making cheese and pickle sandwiches for Luke Shaw.”