Nigel Farage begins epic quest to find Reform UK candidate who isn’t a complete nutjob

Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has embarked upon a countrywide trek to find a candidate to stand for the party who isn’t a Jimmy Savile-supporting, Nazi-sympathising, women-hating nutjob.

Setting off on foot, Farage said he was determined to find at least one potential Reform candidate for the forthcoming Council elections who wasn’t completely bonkers.

“It may be a long road ahead,” said Farage, holding his trusty staff and wearing a hooded tweed cloak and yellow chords.

“But if I have to, I’ll go to every town and village in the land to find a candidate who isn’t an apologist for sex abusers or a whacko conspiracy theorist who may have spent three months in a Moroccan prison for drug trafficking offences.

“I’ll leave no stone unturned and will begin my quest walking between the mythical Kent towns of Appledore, Gravesend, Whitstable and Sevenoaks. Only then might I find a candidate who is normal and doesn’t like to dress up as Adolf Hitler and torture cats at the weekend.”

However, some residents of Essex town Clacton have cast doubt on Farage’s quest.

“It can’t be done,” says Clacton voter Simone Williams. 

“For Farage himself is a myth. It is rumoured that he be our MP, but no one in these parts has ever seen him.

“He is but a legend whose name is whispered in the darkened corners of inns and taverns of Clacton. A sinister fairytale created to scare children into behaving. A malignant ghoul who comes in the dead of night and claims a lot on expenses.”

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