Priti Patel confirms migrants will be fired into English Channel on giant trebuchet

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Migrants who arrive in the UK seeking asylum are to be propelled back into the English Channel using enormous trebuchets under new proposals unveiled by Home Secretary Priti Patel.

“These new measures are fair and proportionate,” says Patel.

“Anyone found to have arrived in the UK on small boats or other illegal routes will have their asylum claims assessed by a committee of Sun readers and Brexit voters.

“If their claims are rejected, migrants will then be marched to the nearest ‘repatriation station’, or trebuchet, and fired back into the channel without a life-jacket.

“This will help speed up the cumbersome asylum system and make immigrants think twice about seeking refuge in the UK.

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“Immigrants who have arrived in the UK illegally but have evaded capture will be tracked down using specially trained dogs. Once caught they’ll be concentrated in special reception centres or ‘camps’ until their claims can be assessed and then they will be fired back into the sea.

“Some people may think these measures are harsh but our previous plan of making Britain so awful that it would deter immigrants from coming here doesn’t seem to be working, so we’re moving on to Plan B.”

The proposals have been welcomed by former Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage.

“Now THIS is more like it,” said Farage.

“These proposals will deal a serious blow to the people-smugglers who exploit gullible people for extortionate amounts.

“By the way, if you’d like me to say Happy Birthday to your racist Nan on Cameo I’ll do it for 50 quid.”

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