Whistle-blower claims no one involved in snowboarding has any idea what’s going on

A commentator working for the BBC at the Winter Olympics has claimed that nobody involved in snowboarding, from judges, commentators, to the competitors themselves, has any clue what the sport is actually about.

“I began to get suspicious when my fellow commentators would shout out things like “wow, what an incredible trouser-press two seventy!’ and ‘he’s going for a chemtrail on the milf-loop!” said the source who wishes to remain nameless.

“None of it made any sense, so on the next guy’s run, I blurted out ‘what an amazing hand-shandy three sixty’ to see what the reaction was. But no one batted an eyelid.

“Then when I said that the Swiss medal hopeful would be gutted because he spunked the cheddar-flaps on the floppy dolphin, the other commentators were like ‘yeah he’s usually so good on the floppy dolphin’. I knew right then that the whole thing was a load of bollocks.”

Meanwhile, Canadian snowboarder Troy Rumble has revealed that he has no idea why he won men’s Slopestyle gold on Sunday.

“After the first run, I was in eighth position,” explained Rumble. 

“On my second run I did exactly the same routine, but this time everyone went crazy, and I went into first place.

“I don’t know why I won, but I overheard one of the judges saying she liked my trousers, and I think that might be why I got the gold.

“It’s just one of those weird Winter Olympic mysteries. Like why do all curlers speak with a thick Scottish accent?

“Even the Chinese ones.”

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