Middle East peace talks to resume now that Liam and Noel are sorted

The UN has announced that peace talks aimed at ending the Israel-Gaza conflict will resume now that Oasis have reunited and the Gallagher brothers have ended their feud.

“We’ve been working round the clock for months now trying to resolve the seemingly intractable dispute between Liam and Noel,” say UN chief negotiator Simon Williams.

“We’ve stopped all other work in the hope that we could get Liam and Noel reunited and back on the road. Thanks to the hard work of our negotiations the hatchet has been buried, and much to the surprise of everyone involved, not in each other heads.”

US Secretary of State Anthony Blinken has hailed the agreement as historic and proof that no conflict is beyond resolution.

“It’s incredible,” explained Blinken. “If Noel and Liam can put years of bitter acrimony behind them, then anything is possible. Middle East peace and an end to the Russia-Ukraine war should be a piece of cake now. We’re very happy, in fact you could say we’re mad for it.”

Following the news of Oasis reunion, Israel-Hamas ceasefire talks are now set to resume in Cairo with renewed hopes of agreement on both sides.

“It’s important to acknowledge that we’re not going to ‘Live Forever’,’’ says Williams.

‘So ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ or the chance of peace might ‘Slide Away’. We hope that the mutual love of Oasis might inspire both sides to seek peace.”

However, the prospect of successful talks was dealt an early blow after a Hamas spokesman said all Oasis music after the second album was ‘a pile of self-indulgent wank’.