Nation’s middle-aged, coked-up fat blokes with no tops on announce plans to get Oasis tickets

In a hastily convened press conference, Britain’s middle-aged, coked-up fat blokes with no tops on have announced plans to get Oasis tickets.

“Good morning. I’m sure this news will come as no surprise to anyone, but middle-aged, coked-up fat blokes with no tops on will be getting Oasis tickets,” said the Simon Williams, a fat bloke with no top on suffering from apocalyptic sunburn, who was acting as a representative for middle-aged, coked-up fat blokes with no tops on.

“We wanted to be completely open and honest about this and to just make it clear that if you had plans to get Oasis tickets, then it is extremely likely that you will find yourself standing next to a middle-aged, coked-up fat bloke with no top and he will be screaming the lyrics to Supersonic at the top of his voice, even when other songs are being played, because that’s his favourite one.”

Mr Williams went on to announce plans for this weekend for the nation’s middle-aged, coked-up fat blokes with no tops on.

“Tickets for Oasis go on sale on Saturday morning, so middle-aged, coked-up fat blokes with no tops on plan on meeting up in the pub from about lunchtime and drinking to excess whilst making staff play Definitely Maybe on repeat.”

Asked to confirm the mood of the nation’s middle-aged, coked-up fat blokes with no tops on, Mr Williams confirmed that they were “mad for it”.

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