Boris Johnson has instructed his Brexit negotiators to play the new Robbie Williams’ song ‘Can’t Stop Christmas’ on repeat until the EU begs for mercy and meets their demands.
“Drastic times call for drastic measures,” the Prime Minister told BBC News.
“I’ve told our negotiators to have the song playing on a loop in the background during all meetings with their EU counterparts.
“We’ve just started, but already the EU has made important concessions on food and environmental standards. Give it a few more days and I’m confident they’ll grant us full access to their fishing waters and tariff-free trade.”
However, EU negotiator Simone Williams has accused the UK of dirty tricks.
“We entered into negotiations in good faith,” says Williams.
“But the Brits only want to cheat by playing this awful song non-stop. We’ve had to move all meetings to the ground floor to stop my colleagues throwing themselves out of the window.
“I can’t stand to hear Robbie rhyme ‘before’ with ‘war’ one more time, it’s making my ears bleed.”
It is rumoured that the UK negotiators are wearing some form of special headphones which allows them to continue negotiations while cancelling out the sound of the song.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that particular rumour,” says Johnson.
“All I know that is we expect the EU to capitulate and give us everything we need in the next few days.
“If not, we’ve still got the Ronan Keating version of ‘Fairytale of New York’ up our sleeve.”