Boris Johnson has set out his roadmap for moving England out of lockdown in the spring and back in again in the summer.
The government’s plan for easing restrictions will include pupils returning to school in March, confusing new rules on getting pissed outside with your mates and incentives to bolster the hospitality industry which will inevitably backfire and lead to another spike in the R number.
“We can’t keep lurching chaotically from one lockdown to the next,” Johnson told MPs.
“And this new roadmap will ensure that this time we will transition smoothly from an easing of restrictions in the spring to another lockdown in the summer.
“So in March all pupils will go back to school, then in April as cases begin to rise we’ll deny that this was a mistake before stating categorically in May that schools will not be closing. Then at the start of June we’ll do a massive U-turn and shut all the schools again.
“Also in March, we’ll issue confusing guidance about the number of people who can meet outdoors which will be deliberately misinterpreted leading to huge crowds of furloughed workers cramming onto the beaches in April and May at the first sign of decent weather.
“As cases begin to rise in May Rishi Sunak will unveil an ill-advised new ‘Eat Out to Help Out’ scheme which will ensure that the numbers spike again in time for all hospitality venues to be shut down again in June.
“Don’t say we didn’t warn you.”