Kremlin diplomats have confirmed that they will provide a full response to Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson’s call for Russia to ‘go away and shut up’ once they have all stopped pissing themselves laughing.
“My personal assistant came to me earlier in tears of laughter and told me I should watch this speech,” says Russian Foreign Secretary Sergei Lavrov.
“At first I thought it was a funny YouTube clip where some British politician is giving a speech and the sign in the background falls over, or he has a coughing fit, or gets caught on a zip line or something.
“I couldn’t believe this teenage kid was the Defence Secretary. And then when he told us to ‘go away and shut up’ I thought I was going to piss my pants.
“We have been trying to write a response all day but every time we start we have another giggling fit like a bunch of your silly teenage girls.
“Vladimir asked me ‘how are we to go away? Russia is a big country, where are we meant to go? What happens if we don’t shut up? Will this Williamson boy take his ball home or run off to tell his mum?’
“Anyway, when we finally stopped laughing someone asked if we should deal directly with someone else in the British government, someone with a bit more gravitas. Vladimir said ’what like Boris Johnson?’ and we all lost our shit again.
“Seriously, I haven’t seen Vladimir laugh so much since Donald Trump won the US election.”