Trump Resorts announces acquisition of Overlook Hotel
Trump Entertainment Resorts, Inc (NYSE: TRMP) has announced its acquisition of Colorado’s prestigious Overlook Hotel for a price understood to be ‘undisclosed, but high’.
Dominic Cummings to do naked walk of shame
Dominic Cummings will be followed through the streets by a sturdy nun shouting ‘Shame!’ in the latest effort by the government to put the current lockdown scandal behind them.
Non-essential workers staying home forces Donald Trump to do his own hair and makeup
Social distancing and the lockdown of non-essential workers have not affected President Trump after he used his latest press conference to tell the country that he is the best at hair and makeup and everyone is saying it.
White House launches Trump-branded coronavirus medicine
Declaring himself ‘unhappy’ with the speed medical professionals are reaching a cure for the Covid-19 virus, President Trump used his address to the nation to announce the launch of his own, Trump-branded drugs to treat the disease today.
Scrooge McDuck denies hoarding
Billionaire Scrooge McDuck has denied hoarding in a time of crisis, and instead insisted that he is putting his vast resources to work to help the country through the difficulties it currently faces.
Gwyneth Paltrow to sell Pot Pourri scented like her bumhole
After the success of her minge-scented candle, Gwyneth Paltrow’s online store for people with more money than sense – Goop – has launched a line of Pot Pourri and air fresheners laced with the delicate scent of the actress’ chocolate balloon knot.
Man had Quality Street for breakfast this morning
Starting the New Year by breakfasting on leftover Quality Street is perfectly normal, it has emerged today.
Mandalorian bitterly regretting feeding baby Yoda after midnight
Letting that adorable little gremlin have a cup of soup after midnight has turned out to be a serious mistake, the Mandalorian has grudgingly admitted today.
Boris Johnson reveals new haircut as he meets Donald Trump ahead of Nato summit
Boris Johnson has been accused of blatantly copying the US President as he showed off his latest new hairdo ahead of a NATO meeting between the two nation’s tomorrow.
Brexit 50p pieces to be melted down by casting them into the fires of Mount Doom
The Royal Mint has confirmed coins bearing the incorrect Brexit date can only be destroyed by casting them into the fires of Mount Doom in order to prevent a second darkness spreading over the land.
Latest Brexit 50p coin to be left blank so people can write the date in themselves
The Royal Mint is to save itself further trouble by issuing a new Brexit 50p coin with the date left blank so people can write it in for themselves, it has emerged.
MAGA sorting hat refusing to let brown people into Hogwarts this year
Pupils arriving at Hogwarts are being left disappointed after it emerged that the Sorting Hat is only allowing the white ones in.
Forthcoming Disney ‘Obi-Wan’ series to focus on heroin addiction and petty crime
The forthcoming Obi-Wan television series will be about his youth of petty crime on the planet Glastooine, Disney has confirmed.
Boris Johnson reveals new haircut as he meets Donald Trump at G7
Boris Johnson has been accused of blatantly copying the US President as he showed off his latest new hairdo at during a G7 meeting between the two nation’s yesterday.
Prince of Whales issues statement after talks with President Trump
“On behalf of the cetacean community, I’m always delighted to reach out to the less intelligent species”, the Prince of Whales has said in a statement.
Boris adopts new Trump haircut as he launches leadership bid
Boris Johnson has been accused of blatantly copying the US President as he showed off his latest new hairdo at the launch of his bid for Tory leader yesterday.
Queen accused of sending subtle ‘coded message’ to Donald Trump with her choice of hats
Her Majesty has courted controversy today after critics suggested her choice of hats was a calculated comment on the US president during his state visit.
But who will pour the tea now? asked Mog, sadly
There’s an empty space at the table between a forgetful cat and a Tiger today.
Bruce Wayne criticised for Bat-Mansplaining
Bruce Wayne has been telling Selina Kyle how to care for her cats all afternoon and it’s really winding her up.
Twitter adds vital new ‘report spoiler’ function ahead of Avengers: Endgame release
Twitter is to increase support for its users by adding what it describes as ‘vital’ new functionality ahead of the release of Avengers: Endgame.
Sewage leak in House of Commons traced to Mark Francois’ mouth
A stream of raw, untreated effluent which stalled parliamentary business yesterday has been traced to Mark Francois’ mouth, it has emerged.
Disney unveils latest addition to ‘Disney Princesses’ as 20th Century Fox takeover is completed
The takeover of 20th Century Fox by Disney will allow girls to be the Queen they always wanted to be, insiders have confirmed.
Melania Trump body double identified as Steve Tyler
Steve Tyler out of Aerosmith has been acting as a stand-in for Melania Trump at official functions ‘for months’ before anyone noticed, it has been confirmed.
Social Justice Batman lights the Virtue Signal
Social Justice Batman has lit up the Virtue Signal, to let the inhabitants of Gotham know that they are being watched over by a dark, silent guardian who is just plain better than them.
Knives only to be used with police supervision under new government guidelines
New guidelines proposed by MPs today would mean knives could only be used under the supervision of at least two security officers.
Jacob Rees-Mogg stages nude Brexit protest
In response to nude protests by anti-Brexit campaigners, Jacob Rees-Mogg has revealed all this morning to reassure voters that they have nothing to fear from going WTO – Without Trousers On.
Theresa May ‘stuck in a time loop’, being forced to make the same Brexit offer over and over again
Theresa May keeps waking up to find Parliament is forcing her to make the same Brexit offer every day.
Theresa May launches range of non-stick pans
Theresa May is to launch her own range of pans to capitalise on the fact that no matter what, nothing whatsoever seems to stick to her.
Latest exciting edition of Tory Thunderdome called for tonight
Theresa May will do battle with a midget riding a hulking oaf – or Michael Gove and Boris Johnson as they’re better known – at 6pm this evening, we can confirm.
White House staff club together and buy Trump a new house to replace the one he just lost
Although the President lost one House overnight, well-meaning friends in the White House have bought him a new one so he doesn’t feel too down today.
