The forthcoming Obi-Wan television series will be about his youth of petty crime on the planet Glastooine, Disney has confirmed.
Kenobi – to be played by a digitally de-aged Ewan McGregor – struggles with Death Stick addiction with a group of other Padawan and a gratuitously violent war droid called Beg-B.
The question posed in the film is will Kenobi succumb to deathsticks like so many of his friends, or will he go home and rethink his life before turning to the light side of the force.
Reports indicate that any suggestion Obi-Wan has the high ground will carry an entirely different meaning this time.
“Like Rogue One, this film will show a seamier side to the Star Wars universe that we haven’t really seen before. It’ll be like ‘The Empire does smack'”, producers told us.
“There’s a great scene where Obi-Wan cops off with a Twi’lek dancing girl and then has to pretend to Jabba the Hutt that they’re just good friends in the morning, as if he’s caught he’ll be fed to the Rancor beast.
“And another in a cantina where Beg-B picks a fight with a Gammorrean before force-headbutting him and smacking him with a laserbottle.”
“And then there’s the worst toilet in the galaxy, which has to be seen to be believed.”
The theme music will be Iggy Pop’s Lust for Lightsabre.
Producers feel that if the series is a success there will be the opportunity to make another film in twenty years that won’t be close to as good as the original and nobody will care about.
“Because we can’t think of any examples of that,” they said.