Reform sorting hat refusing to let brown people into Hogwarts this year
Foreign pupils arriving at Hogwarts are being left disappointed after it emerged that the Sorting Hat is only allowing the white ones in.
Serial draft dodger demands huge military parade in his honour
A man who gained five military deferments has demanded that people who actually joined the military march in his honour.
Next Call of Duty game to be set during the War on Christmas
The next edition of the Call of Duty franchise will be about brave local government officers forcing people to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.
Record number of migrants reach Britain after following trail of turds in the sea like Hansel and Gretel
In a heartwarming tale like something out of Grimms Fairy Tales, record numbers of migrants are successfully crossing the channel by following the trail of bobbing turds thoughtfully laid for them by kindly Britons.
MAGA sorting hat refusing to let brown people into Hogwarts this year
Foreign pupils arriving at Hogwarts are being left disappointed after it emerged that the Sorting Hat is only allowing the white ones in.
GB News adds yet another self-important gobshite to their presenting roster
Noisy clickbait television station GB News has added another opinion leader to their ever-changing roster of… well, ‘talent’ isn’t the word, but you know what we mean.
Goths want to wish you a happy World Goth Day, but can’t because, you know, ‘happy’
Goths worldwide are celebrating enjoying acknowledging World Goth Day today.
Man had Quality Street for breakfast this morning
Starting the New Year by breakfasting on leftover Quality Street is perfectly normal, it has emerged today.
Next Call of Duty game to be set during the War on Christmas
The next edition of the Call of Duty franchise will be about brave local government officers forcing people to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.
GB News adds another self-important gobshite to their presenting roster
Noisy clickbait television station GB News has added another opinion leader to their ever-changing roster of… well, ‘talent’ isn’t the word, but you know what we mean.
Goths want to wish you a happy World Goth Day, but can’t because, you know, ‘happy’
Goths worldwide are acknowledging World Goth day today.
Paddington enters rehab after trying method acting for role in Cocaine Bear
Popular ursine actor Paddington has checked into an exclusive rehab clinic today, claiming that method acting ‘backfired badly’ during the filming of Cocaine Bear.
Record number of migrants reach Britain after following trail of turds in the sea like Hansel and Gretel
In a heartwarming tale like something out of Grimms Fairy Tales, record numbers of migrants are successfully crossing the channel by following the trail of bobbing turds thoughtfully laid for them by kindly Britons.
I.T. department finds Dream of the Endless living in their storeroom
Dream of the Endless, Lord Shaper, King of the Nightmare Realm and Monarch of the Sleeping Marches has taken up residence in the storeroom of a local company’s IT department, it has emerged.
Boris Johnson appoints new, more competent Cabinet in reshuffle
Boris Johnson has described his new cabinet as representing the ‘gold standard’ of talent in the current Parliamentary Conservative Party this morning.
Queen wakes up with nasty hangover hoping she didn’t do anything stupid at the party last night
Her Majesty the Queen is reported to have woken up with a nasty hangover this morning, and expressed a hope she didn’t do anything she might regret. She staggered groggily from her bed, knocking over a small pile of marmalade sandwiches and vaguely wondering where that shapeless red hat came from, before going to get
Tim Burton seeing his own shadow means six more weeks of Hallowe’en
According to folklore, if Punxsutawney Burton sees his own shadow today it means six more weeks of Halloween.
Government to reopen coal mines to provide Christmas presents for the poor
With a shortage of toys for Christmas predicted, the government has announced it will reopen long-dormant mines so poor children will get at least something this year – a lump of coal.
Government unveils ‘guaranteed to work’ petrol track & trace app to beat fuel crisis
A government smartphone app to monitor petrol availability and allocate refuelling appointments has been unveiled this morning, as queues to petrol stations continue to grow.
Social media companies respond to government demand to hand over details of racist trolls by giving them Priti Patel’s phone number
After the government said it was time for social media companies to help stand up to online trolls and bullies, each platform has responded by sending Downing Street officials Priti Patel’s phone number.
England squad unveil new Marxist strip ahead of tonight’s fixture
The England football team – henceforth to be known as Dynamo Airstrip One – have unveiled new team colours for the big game tonight.
Disgraced conman and ex-lawyer to head up new HBO series, ‘Better Call Rudy’
Disgraced ex-lawyer Rudy Giuliani will dispense legal advice to criminals from the back of a beat-up old car in HBO’s forthcoming series ‘Better call Rudy’.
New Indiana Jones film set in Danesbury Metal Detecting Club
Harrison Ford will take up Fedora, Whip and Detectron 4000S+ one last time in the forthcoming Indiana Jones film – in which the 80-year-old Indy will be enjoying a quiet retirement in Suffolk.
Stranded sailors terrorised by supernatural, human-like bear
Two shiploads of sailors caught in the ice whilst searching for the elusive Northern Passage are being stalked and terrorised by a bear which displays uncannily human-like characteristics, according to missives received by the Admiralty today.
Amazon launch new portable bathroom range for busy employees
Stung by criticism about staff having to relieve themselves into bottles as they don’t get enough time off to even visit a lavatory, Amazon has released a new own-brand range of portable bathroom utensils to help workers ‘on the job whilst on the job’.
All babies to be tattooed with huge Union Jack under new government proposals
A draft government white paper proposing that all babies should be tattoed with a gigantic Union Jack has been leaked to the press this morning.
Daft Punk sold off by Jawas
Robot dance duo Daft Punk have split up after one of them was sold to moisture farmers on Tatooine, according to reports.
Zombies at the door would like to talk to you about voting Democrat
A smartly-dressed pair of the walking dead at the door want to know if you’ve considered voting Democrat.
White House staff club together and buy Donald Trump a new house to replace the one he just lost
Although President Trump lost one House this week, well-meaning friends in the White House have bought him a new one so he doesn’t feel too down today.
iPhone 12 to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology
The new iPhone 12 will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.
