Boris Johnson appoints new, more competent Cabinet in reshuffle

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Boris Johnson has described his new cabinet as representing the ‘gold standard’ of talent in the current Parliamentary Conservative Party this morning.

Faced with several high-profile resignations last night, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promoted the cream of his current crop of MPs to fill the gaps.

As senior figures within the government suddenly noticed what Johnson is actually like after it passed them by for years, Downing Street said they were ‘very proud’ have to identified and nurtured the latest crop of the best of the best that the government has to offer.

“The Cabinet is even more competent than the last one, and will usher in a new age of levelling up across the country,” a spokesman for Number Ten said, before falling down a manhole and starting to cry.

The role of Chancellor of the Exchequer will be taken by Bob, who has pledged to make bananas more affordable during the cost of living crisis.

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Meanwhile, the new Health Secretary will be Stuart, who has unveiled plans to make bananas available on the NHS.

Finally, Nadine Dorries remains as Culture Secretary.

“It could be worse, it could be Michael Fabricant”, we were told.