Record number of migrants reach Britain after following trail of turds in the sea like Hansel and Gretel

In a heartwarming tale like something out of Grimms Fairy Tales, record numbers of migrants are successfully crossing the channel by following the trail of bobbing turds thoughtfully laid for them by kindly Britons.

Boatload after boatload are forming a chain across the channel, guided to their destination by good, honest, British stools.

Unlike in the tale of Hansel and Gretel, the birds are unlikely to eat these breadcrumbs – meaning that the seas will be crammed with ever more eager migrants for many weeks to come.

“We didn’t know where we were in the fog,” said migrant Mustapha Williams.

“We were hopelessly lost and doomed to death by drowning or to be cut to pieces in the wake of a ferry when, floating out the gloom, came a magical huge brown breadcrumb with bits of sweetcorn in it.

“And then another and another, leading us to the beaches of Dover and your lovely jobs.”

“Sadly, I’m not a sewerage worker!” he laughed.

“It’s thanks to the generosity and forethought of the British that they voted to cut themselves off from supplies of water-treatment chemicals eight years ago, ensuring their coastal waters would be surrounded by the dank slurry which served as our guide to shore.”

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