Thursday 1 April 2021 by DavyToast

Stranded sailors terrorised by supernatural, human-like bear


Paddington The Terror

Two shiploads of sailors caught in the ice whilst searching for the elusive Northern Passage are being stalked and terrorised by a bear which displays uncannily human-like characteristics, according to missives received by the Admiralty today.

The bear, which is a hideous amalgam of man and beast and walks upright in a manner no natural animal should, has been circling the ships in the fog before appearing to stare at lone mariners until they have a nervous breakdown.

The bear has also been known to attack crewmen by clawing and biting at their heads, but only those wearing hats large enough to hide a sandwich underneath.

“It’s a mystery to me why this creature should pursue us with such dogged tenacity,” said Sir John Franklin, Captain of the Erebus.

“All we have in the hold is five hundred tons of Marmalade which we use to fight off scurvy.

“I admit that one of our men did shoot a Health and Safety expert by the name of Mister Brown out in the icy wastes, but what was a Health and Safety expert doing out on the floes without wearing a high-vis jacket in the first place?

“Surely that was the very definition of an accident waiting to happen.”

When asked, the bear told us that Aunt Lucy taught him you shouldn’t go round just shooting at people, as it is the very height of bad manners.

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