Thursday 14 October 2021 by DavyToast

Government to reopen coal mines to provide Christmas presents for the poor


Father Christmas Boris opening coal mines

With a shortage of toys for Christmas predicted, the government has announced it will reopen long-dormant mines so poor children will get at least something this year – a lump of coal.

Boris Johnson – also known as Jolly Old Saint Nick-all-the-money – made the announcement whilst being interviewed about something completely unrelated and potentially embarrassing, and then refused to talk about anything else.

Backlogs at ports and in global supply chains have been exacerbated by lorry drivers sodding off back to Bong-Bongo land as requested, meaning that cheap plastic tat from China might not reach the shops in time for the festive period.

“It’s vital that hard-working children of hard-working families in hard-working Britain get something under the tree on Christmas morning,” said Boris. “Assuming there are any trees, we’re still working on that.

“And so just picture their hard-working faces when they come running down on Christmas morning and find waiting for them a lump of good, honest, old-fashioned British coal of the sort their grandparents used to get.

“It’ll be a good, honest, traditional hard-working family Christmas, just like we had in the good old days.

“And when the kids have finished playing with their coal, the family can use it to keep warm as there still won’t be any fuel by then either.”

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