Government unveils ‘guaranteed to work’ petrol track & trace app to beat fuel crisis

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A government smartphone app to monitor petrol availability and allocate refuelling appointments has been unveiled this morning, as queues to petrol stations continue to grow.

The App is launched in response to the public going doolaly again and insider sources say that a state-managed centralised distribution and supply mechanism in the form of a rapidly-produced smartphone application is definitely the best solution.

“How it will work is this,” said transport Secretary Grant Shapps. “The government gives a friendly development company – ideally owned by one of my friends, but one of Priti Patel’s friends is acceptable as well – a huge pile of money and they produce something that makes your phone go ping whenever it’s least convenient to you.

“Let’s say you need some fuel to get from your house in Slough to a meeting in Maidenhead this afternoon. You put in your location and details, and then next Tuesday you’ll get an appointment to get precisely three litres of fuel from a pump in Sunderland.

“Nothing could be simpler. Literally nothing.

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“The app will also track your messages and if you say anything rude about it you’ll be automatically added to a database that should be of no concern to you whatsoever.”

A spokesman for the road haulage industry, which delivers fuel to petrol stations, has responded to the app saying it’s not a bad idea in principle, but that all their drivers have gone home to Gdansk now so they’re not sure what difference this is really going to make.