Theresa May will do battle with a midget riding a hulking oaf – or Michael Gove and Boris Johnson as they’re better known – at 6pm this evening, we can confirm.
The fight has been promised for months, and was only delayed by the inability of Jacob Rees -Mogg to find forty-people who would publicly say they liked him.
“Tory Thunderdome is a regular event where the party turns on the person they chose as their leader not long before and then tries to murder them,” we were told.
“In this instance we expect Jacob Rees Mogg to try and weaken May by blowing hard on a dog-whistle whilst Boris chases her round hooting like a gibbon, trying to win for the umpteenth fucking time.
”Michael Gove will then stab the winner in the back, as usual.
“There would be Labour Thunderdome too, but Jeremy Corbyn locked the cage door behind him and won’t let anyone in.”
Auntie May is reported to be sanguine about the contest and confident of victory, even if defeat means exile.
“They say in Tory Thunderdome that forty-eight men enter and one man leaves,” she said, looking around her party with withering scorn.
“But I don’t see any men here.”