Declaring himself ‘unhappy’ with the speed medical professionals are reaching a cure for the Covid-19 virus, President Trump used his address to the nation to announce the launch of his own, Trump-branded drugs to treat the disease today.
Criticising the medical establishment for their tardiness, the President said he’d rustled a cure up in his bathtub and it seemed to be working just fine on him so far as he’s not caught anything since he took a jollop this morning.
Marketed as ‘Trump’s miracle medical elixir’ and sold out of the back of a waggon on Pennsylvania Avenue, his anti-viral also has many other alleged benefits and includes a money-back guarantee to cure baldness and ‘put lead in your pencil’ -with only minor disclaimers and small print.
“For too long, so-called medical experts have talked about ‘testing’ and ‘proof’ and ‘side-effects’ whilst failing to produce the medicines this country wants and needs,” Trump told the assembled White House press corps.
“You know what I called doctors? Slackers! They need to get out of the way and let honest, hard-working Americans practise medicine without their fancy qualifications and knowledge.
“What have experts got us so far? Lots of dead people, and it’s all the fault of experts! It’s time to let the real brains behind this country have a go at a cure.
“Everyone knows that the Trump brand is your stamp of guaranteed quality – when you buy Trump, you know exactly what you’re getting,” he assured the viewers at home.
Trump’s Miracle Medical Elixir is available for $449.99 from the Trump 2020 campaign website, with a free Keep America Great hat with every purchase of five bottles or more.