Thursday 14 March 2019 by DavyToast

Knives only to be used with police supervision under new government guidelines


knives and police

New guidelines proposed by MPs today would mean knives could only be used under the supervision of at least two security officers.

The rules, which would make cooking your dinner a massive faff, are intended to reduce knife crime by keeping owners of ‘potentially murderous’ cooking, steak and chefs knives under permanent supervision.

When not supervised, people would be expected to keep their kitchen knives in a locked, secure cabinet to prevent anyone taking them away and doing some stabbing on a whim.

Additionally, anyone suspected of owning a knife without the required permits would be followed in the street by the same sort of drones they’ll be using on the Irish border.

“When I’m preparing dinner for my two children I expect to be pestered by ignorant, annoying toddlers,” said local knife-user Simon Williams, who is now on a watch list as a suspected potential terrorist after cutting some bread without filling in the right form.

“What I didn’t expect is that they’d be Members of Parliament.”

According to documents seen by NewsThump, the proposals would be ‘cost neutral’ and would not require any more police officers or giving the police any more money.

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