Dominic Cummings has gone ‘too far’ insists ghost of Machiavelli
Former Florentine political adviser and strategist Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli has insisted Dominic Cummings has overstepped the boundaries of what is acceptable.
Donald Trump claims 1775 revolutionary army took over airports ‘using only laser guns and hover-boards’
President of the United States, Donald Trump, has insisted that an elite group of hover-boarding laser gun warriors in the revolutionary army took over airports controlled by George III’s regime, before going on to storm the beaches of Normandy which resulted in the end of World War 3.
‘Good, good, let the hate flow through you,’ Vladimir Putin tells the West
Russian president Vladimir Putin has told the Financial Times that the West’s move to the dark side is now almost complete and that it should accept its inevitable destiny.
Brexiter insists climate emergency doesn’t exist because he had to wear a jumper for a few days in June
A Brexit supporter has today said all evidence for global warming is phoney and a “conspiracy” due to the fact it’s June and he has been a bit chilly over the past few days.
Lack of defibrillators on route puts Nigel Farage’s Brexit walk in doubt
After Nigel Farage announced he was going to organise a walk from Sunderland to London in support of Brexit, health officials have cast doubt on its viability due to a lack of defibrillators that would be required to line the route.
“I admire them, but I wouldn’t want to spend eternity with Brexiters” insists Satan
Following European Council President Donald Tusks comment that there is a “special place in hell” for “those who promoted Brexit without even a sketch of a plan of how to carry it safely”, Satan has responded by saying they are not welcome in Hell.
People traffickers, gun runners and drug lords all delighted at news that UK ports will ‘wave through’ goods after Brexit no-deal
Brexiter claims that Brexit will take back control of our borders has been given a huge boost after the announcement by tax chiefs that UK borders will be flung wide open without checks in the event of a no-deal Brexit.
Vladimir Putin tells May it is her duty to ‘deliver on the will of the Russian president’
Russian president, Vladimir Putin yesterday told British Prime Minister Theresa May to ensure his democratic will is honoured by making sure the United Kingdom leaves the European Union.
Tourists delighted by ‘quaint’ British tradition of Police protecting female MPs from gammon-faced Brexiter f*ckwits
Following footage of Anna Soubry receiving abuse from a group of pro-Brexit supporters on her way to parliament, tourists who witnessed the incident have unanimously confirmed they were delighted to see our quaint traditions in action.
“I thought food and medicine appeared because of food and medicine fairies” admits Dominic Raab
Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, Dominic Raab has admitted that he thought supermarket shelves and hospital medicine supplies were stocked by magical “pixies and fairy folk”.
Tory Brexiters demand a second vote on who should be leading their party
Brexit supporting Tory MPs are today demanding a re-run of the 2016 Conservative party leadership contest because they believe Theresa May was only able to win it by “lying”, and that no one knew what they were voting for.
Labour insists People’s Vote should be between catastrophic no-deal Brexit and catastrophic Brexit deal
Bolstering their supply and demand coalition with the Torys and DUP, the Labour party leadership have today announced that any People’s Vote should omit the option to remain, and only allow the people a choice between two potentially catastrophic outcomes.
Current populist movement in UK and across Europe is ‘unique in all of history’, claims Führer Farage
Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage has told Fox News that “Brexit was the first brick knocked out of the wall” of European Union institutions and that the populist government in Italy could be the second that may destroy the EU within a decade.
We definitely should have had Brexit-level preparedness for the millennium bug, confirms IT community
Following Bernard Jenkins assertion that the Y2K bug was “hysteria”, software developers and IT professionals around the world have unanimously agreed that the years of meticulous planning and work that successfully averted most issues should have been replaced by a strategy of “just winging it”.
Brexiters slam meddling EU bureaucrats for insisting ‘doctors should be fully qualified’
Campaign groups backing Brexit have today launched a full out attack on the European Union, claiming that meddling eurocrats are preventing doctors from becoming doctors without completing their medical training.
Donald Trump announces new policy of regime change directed at the United Kingdom
The president of the United States last night confirmed his government are now seeking to topple the UK government in order to install one more amenable to his and his friends’ worldview.
£900 per year cut in household income ‘a great start’ claim leading Brexiters
Leading Brexiters are today celebrating following the Governor of the Bank of England’s announcement that every household in the UK has seen a reduction of £900 per year in their income from where it should be, hailing it as “a great start” but agreeing more needs to be done.
Democratic referendum on final Brexit deal would definitely be undemocratic, claims Brexiter terrified of losing it
Following a day of rallies across the United Kingdom campaigning for a democratic vote to determine if the will of the people is in favour of Brexit once the deal is known, a Brexiter has insisted this would be going against the will of the people.
Brexiters celebrate 20 years of the Good Friday Agreement by attempting to destroy it
20 years on from the signing of the agreement that brought peace to Northern Ireland, Brexiters everywhere are celebrating by refusing to understand what it is, and not caring if it falters because of their actions.
UK demonstrates strength of Brexit negotiating position by giving EU everything it wanted
The United Kingdom has once again demonstrated its strength in the protracted Brexit negotiations with the European Union, by agreeing to everything the EU has asked for in order to secure agreement to move onto the next phase.
Brexiter convinced his version of Brexit is what the government is obliged to deliver
A Brexit voter has confirmed he believes his personal interpretation of Brexit is exactly what the government will deliver, and is exactly what everyone else who voted leave also wants.
David Davis ‘furious’ that EU is planning for the no-deal scenario he threatened them with
The Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union today attacked the EU for “unfairly” ensuring they are prepared for the no deal Brexit he threatened was a very real possibility.
Popcorn sales skyrocket as Remainers settle in to watch Nigel Farage and Arron Banks explode over Brexit deal
Leading popcorn manufacturers have reported “unprecedented” demand since the government announced the EU divorce settlement, which resulted in a furious reaction from Nigel Farage, Arron Banks and Leave.EU supporters as a whole.
Man subjected to unwanted verbose response after he greeted work colleague with “how you doing?”
Office worker, Simon Williams is today recovering from an encounter with a work colleague, after he mistakenly thought a cursory greeting would be responded to with an equally limited response.
Wetherspoon’s beer mat Brexit manifesto more detailed than the government’s own Brexit plan
After half a million beer mats were released to Wetherspoon’s pubs with a “manifesto” for a “successful Brexit” printed on them, it has become apparent they are far more detailed than anything the government produced.
University academics to be replaced by Daily Mail readers
Following an expose by the Daily Mail today, highlighting the anti-Brexit bias of the UK’s university academics, the government has announced all posts will now be filled by Daily Mail readers alone.
Man attempts to stay focused during conversation in which he has absolutely no interest
Simon Williams from Trowbridge, Wiltshire, has today attempted to remain engaged in a conversation with a fellow worker, even though he couldn’t care less about its subject matter.
Theresa May’s EU ‘Come Dine With Me’ special to be shown on Chanel 4 tonight
The prime minister’s dinner with top EU officials will be broadcast this evening as part of Channel 4’s long-running series, in a television event described as ‘comedy gold’.
Government claims Brexit Impact Studies are unavailable to public as they were ‘eaten by dog’
The studies commissioned by the Department for Exiting the European Union on the economic and societal impacts of leaving the EU are unavailable for public consumption because they have been consumed by David Davies dog, according to reports.
UK to completely remove itself from ECJ jurisdiction by remaining within ECJ jurisdiction
The UK government’s long awaited plans regarding extricating itself from the European Court of Justice’s jurisdiction have been released today.
