Christians to mark occasion of botched execution in Middle East
Christians are busily filling their houses with chocolate eggs and rabbits, to mark the anniversary of a botched execution in Golgotha.
Doomsday prepper already uncorking first bottle of own piss
Doomsday preppers across the country are already half-way through their first bottle of urine, according to reports.
Everyone amazed that ‘contempt of Parliament’ is a crime
After the boss of Sports Direct was threatened with ‘Contempt of Parliament’, the entire population of Britain has slowly realised that they’ve all been criminals for ages.
Queen ‘doesn’t recall’ ever taking Nick Clegg seriously
Despite claims that the Queen lectured Nick Clegg about leaving the EU, the Palace has denied that her Majesty ever treated the deputy PM as an adult.
Sharapova only took drug ‘to treat her dog for diabetes’
Tennis star Maria Sharapova has admitted to failing a test for a diabetes drug, that so far has only been trialled on animals.
‘Joy causes death’ is proof of vengeful God, finds science
Researchers who discovered that intense happiness can cause heart attacks, claim their breakthrough is proof of the existence of a vengeful God.
Transfer market to be flooded with knock-off Chinese Rooneys
Following news that China has made an ‘incredible’ offer for Wayne Rooney, pundits fear he will be reverse engineered and shipped over in his thousands.
Government to stick health warnings directly onto fat people
Following surprise reactions to news that sickly, syrupy drinks may contain sugar, the government will commence sticking warnings straight onto the obese.
Cameron ‘still hopeful’ door won’t hit him on the arse on the way out
David Cameron has revealed that he hopes to avoid a door spanking his arse, as he inevitably fails to negotiate a way for Britain to stay in Europe.
Jeremy Corbyn pledges to nationalise Hornby
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has promised to nationalise Hornby, after a string of profit warnings from the struggling service.
LeBlanc reveals pretending to like Chris Evans will be ‘toughest acting role’
Matt LeBlanc has revealed that his role as a friend of Chris Evans will be his toughest acting job so far.
Groundhog Day raises hopes of repeatedly waking up to Donald Trump losing
Millions of people have woken up on Groundhog Day, hoping they are now trapped in an endless cycle of Donald Trump being humiliated.
Darlington children ‘struggle to get parents ready for school’
School kids in Darlington have revealed that they face a daily struggle to get their parents dressed and presentable for school.
Corbyn pledges to rescue Calais migrants from tyranny of French socialist utopia
Jeremy Corbyn has suggested that migrants camped in Calais should be allowed to apply for asylum in Britain, and leave France’s socialist utopia.
NRA advises citizens to stock up on weapons to fend off blizzards
The National Rifle Association has issued an emergency pamphlet, explaining how to tackle snow drifts using only an armful of weapons.
Change ‘password’ to ‘passw0rd’ advises security expert
A simple trick could allow computer users to outwit hackers, by replacing the ‘o’ in ‘password’ with a zero.
Ross Kemp to return to EastEnders as shaved, gurning chimp
Albert Square is braced for the return of a pile of crudely sculpted luncheon meat, in the form of jobbing actor Ross Kemp.
Wurzel Corbyn could run country ‘without his war head’
Labour’s Wurzel Corbyn has claimed that he could ‘easily’ be prime minister without having to resort to his ‘war head’.
Army infantry to stand in for junior doctors during surgery
Britain’s brave soldiers will be called in to hospitals, to perform minor surgery during the junior doctor strike.
Men to tell doctors they now drink just 14 units a week
The government has revised guidelines on how much alcohol men should pretend they drink, when speaking to their doctor.
Police hit target to tweet about 95% of crimes within 5 minutes
Theresa May has applauded the police for responding on social media to 95% of reported crimes, within five minutes.
Fury as lottery website crash forces thousands to save two quid
Thousands of people have complained angrily that a fault with the National Lottery website has left them 2 quid better off.
Ant and Dec to share a knighthood
Popular buffoons Ant and Dec have been given a shared knighthood, in recognition of their tireless work in always being on the fucking television.
Donald Trump calls for ban on all bouncy castle salesmen entering US
After ‘the new Jihadi John’ was revealed to be a former inflatable entertainment technician, Donald Trump has called for an outright ban on anyone associated with the bouncy castle industry.
Men to be limited to three emasculating drinks a day
The government has advised that men should stick to three shameful drinks a day, such as half a lime top, or a Bacardi Breezer.
Family clones pig after ‘best bacon ever’
A couple have paid £67,000 to have a much-loved pig cloned in South Korea, after enjoying ‘the most delicious bacon sandwich imaginable’.
Jeremy Kyle blamed for Cilla Black’s death
Moron-whisperer Jeremy Kyle has been linked to the death of Cilla Black, following revelations by her son.
Vatican beatification setback as Mother Teresa blamed for man’s broken leg
The Vatican has put the beatification of Mother Teresa on hold, after it was disclosed that she could also be responsible for a man’s mysterious broken leg.
UNICEF Syrian donations to be delivered by guided missile
UNICEF is saving on postage for its Syria appeal, by delivering donations by guided UN bombs.
Boost for Donald Trump after he appears in Margaret Thatcher’s dress
Donald Trump has benefited from the ‘Thatcher Effect’, after he appeared during last night’s Republican debate wearing a recently purchased blue dress.
