Cameron ‘still hopeful’ door won’t hit him on the arse on the way out

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David Cameron has revealed that he hopes to avoid a door spanking his arse, as he inevitably fails to negotiate a way for Britain to stay in Europe.

“As was clear at the outset, I’ve set myself some really low expectations for these talks,” explained Cameron, “and now that I’m not achieving them, it’s time to aim a lot lower.”

After failing to win legal guarantees for any of the tiny reforms Cameron had dared to ask for so far, advisors were hoping to keep the slippers from his hotel room, and a half bottle of Pinot Grigio.

“Look, we’d all like a pillow chocolate, or the pot of mints they keep at reception,” roared Cameron.

“But the key to negotiating is to avoid asking for things that you know you’re not going to get.”

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In an interview with the Telegraph, Cameron will reveal tomorrow that all he had hoped for was to eventually be allowed home, and to make it out of the exit without a bruised buttock.

“If you read carefully, that’s what I pledged in our manifesto,” claimed the PM.

“And I’m very glad to have achieved that 100%, disregarding the reddening where the door knob slightly got me.”