New cancer treatment could see Daily Mail reduced to A5 leaflet

The Daily Mail could be reduced to an A5 leaflet moaning about immigrants after researchers showed that a new treatment could eliminate cancer.

A therapy that retrains the body’s immune system to fight cancer has provoked panic at the Daily Mail after more than 90% of their editorial content was potentially rendered obsolete.

Daily Mail reporter Simon Williams said their offices resembled a wake, telling us, “There are people crying, two guys jumped out of a window, and woman is setting fire to a pile of cancer stories she had scheduled to publish right up to the end of 2019.

“Air causes cancer, Bread causes cancer, breathing causes cancer – these are all now gone, and that’s only up to the ‘Bs’.  Trust me, there is a lot of lost material.

“I mean, who wants to buy a paper which screams on the front page about something you like causing cancer, if curing your cancer is nothing more than a minor inconvenience?”

Researchers have admitted that putting a stop to Daily Mail scaremongering is an unexpected benefit of their research programme.

However, Williams said that inside the Daily Mail offices, staff were already working hard to step up production of anti-migrant stories.

“We’ve got plenty more to come on the immigrant front. For example, did you know immigrants cause cancer?”

“Oh.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) – get the t-shirt!

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