Next Pope to be chosen ‘by natural selection’
The Catholic church has revealed an evolutionary plan to leave the choice of Pontiff to natural selection.
North Face launches new range of gravy-proof clothing for the ‘indoorsy type’
Fans of programmes about the countryside are flocking to online retailers to kit themselves out with North Face’s latest range of ‘high performance’ indoor clothing.
Christians all set to mark the occasion of a botched execution in the Middle East
Christians are busily filling their houses with chocolate eggs and rabbits, to mark the anniversary of a botched execution in Golgotha.
Rochdale rejects ‘mainstream politics’ by electing career politician with a murky past
Cat impressionist George Galloway has landed on his feet again, after some how convincing the Rochdale by-election voters that he is ‘different’.
North Face launches new range of gravy-proof clothing for the ‘indoorsy type’
Fans of programmes about the countryside are flocking to online retailers to kit themselves out with North Face’s latest range of ‘high performance’ indoor clothing.
US scientists discover that chimps lack an ‘innate sense of capitalism’
Researchers from the fiscal chimp centre at Emory University have failed to find capitalism coursing through the brains of our ancestors.
North Face launches range of gravy-proof clothing for the ‘indoorsy type’
Fans of programmes about the countryside are flocking to online retailers to kit themselves out with North Face’s latest range of ‘high performance’ indoor clothing.
Surgeons celebrate as investment banker fitted with world’s first artificial conscience
British surgeons are celebrating a major breakthrough in medical science after successfully fitting an investment banker with the world’s first artificial conscience.
Britons ‘pretty sure’ their opinions on US presidential election still matter a f*ck
People across Britain are still ‘fairly optimistic’ that their opinions on the US presidential election are worth a toss to anyone on the other side of the Atlantic.
English bulldogs now so ‘hopelessly inbred’ they’re on verge of joining Britain First
A group of stumpy dogs from a tiny island are now so irreversibly inbred, that they are considering joining Britain First.
Cocaine users seek assurance new plastic notes are BPA-free
Users of coca-based lifestyle products are demanding to know if the UK’s new plastic bank notes contain bisphenol-a (BPA).
BBC quits ‘broadcasting’ to focus on ‘licence fee harassment’ business
The BBC has revealed plans to gradually move away from the distraction of broadcasting, so that it can focus on its core business of harassing people to buy a TV licence.
Britons still ‘pretty sure’ their opinions on US election matter a f*ck
People across Britain are still ‘fairly optimistic’ that their opinions on the US presidential election are worth a toss.
English bulldogs now so ‘hopelessly inbred’ they’re on verge of joining EDL
A group of stumpy dogs from a tiny island are now so irreversibly inbred, that they are considering joining the EDL.
Outrage as child’s favourite story mocks adult’s favourite story
Offence-takers have reacted with zealous fury after a story intended for children was seen to mock a story intended for adults.
Dog ‘furious’ after do-gooders smash his car windows again
A dog reacted angrily after his car windows were smashed, just moments after he parked up in a Waitrose car park.
Consumers urged to wash salad before scraping it into the bin
People who like to decorate proper food with lettuce are being urged to wash it, before throwing it away.
‘New’ stealth plane ‘had been here for ages’
The RAF’s new stealth plane has been hailed a success after it was delivered three years ago without anybody noticing.
Vodafone to find new country in which to avoid paying tax
Vodafone has threatened to move its headquarters abroad, as soon as it can find another country where it can avoid paying tax.
People that disagree with you are stupid, finds science
There is a 98% chance that people with an opinion different to yours are mouth-breathing morons, according to science.
Harry Potter fans disappointed to learn new ‘film’ is a play
Fans of Harry Potter have reacted with bitter fury, after learning that the latest episode is only available as a ‘play’.
Magic mushrooms can also treat colds, insists weirdo
A strange man with memory issues has insisted that magic mushrooms shouldn’t just be used to treat depression, but a range of ailments including ‘tired legs’ and ‘feeling a bit sniffly’.
Ramsay Bolton goes ‘too far’, eats raw cooking apple
If Game of Thrones fans were in any doubt that Ramsay Bolton is an unhinged monster, it was confirmed last night by him eating a cooker as an eater.
Cats also hate being hugged, confirms heavily lacerated man
Following the discovery that dogs can’t stand being hugged, a man speaking from an intensive care unit has confirmed that the same is true for cats.
Top Gear announces spin-off apology show
Transport fans are in for a treat this Spring, with not one but two new Top Gear shows.
Shock as awful shop closes
Shoppers have reacted with shock to the news that Britain’s leading retailer of slightly ill-fitting clothes is to close.
Brazil rebrands Zika virus as ‘Olympic Fever’
Olympic organizers in Brazil are hoping for a boost to ticket sales, after rebranding the Zika virus as ‘Olympic Fever’.
Self-aware trifle robot ‘not good enough’ for Bake Off judges
A fully automated, self-aware dessert has failed to impress judges in the Bake Off Creme de la Creme semi-finals.
Man’s ‘spa weekend’ consisted of pork pie, damp dog and pint of mild
A man has reported ‘feeling rejuvenated’, after a spa weekend spent in his shed.
Transgender employee overlooked for promotion ‘finally feels like a real woman’
Transgender Michelle Watts, who lost out on promotion to her male colleagues, has revealed that the experience has helped to feel accepted as a ‘real woman’.
