Cocaine users seek assurance new plastic notes are BPA-free

Users of coca-based lifestyle products are demanding to know if the UK’s new plastic bank notes contain bisphenol-a (BPA).

Worried parents have already purged BPA from lunch boxes and water bottles due to its negative impact on human health, but are now concerned about the harm BPA could do while they snort coke during the day.

“Much like cocaine, the old cotton notes were a natural, organic product,” said drug enthusiast Simon Williams.

“But the new ones contain polymers, and I’m not sure what they are.

“Do they think I’ll stick just anything up my nose?”

After consultation with bankers and a panel of MPs, designers of the new note made sure it could still be rolled into a nostril-diametered tube.

But traditionalists like Simon think there’s more to it than that, insisting that plastic ruins the tactile experience.

“It’s not just that the treasury might be slowly poisoning me with BPA”, said Simon. “I really miss the feel of tightly rolled, cotton-reinforced paper.

“Or at least I would do, if I could feel my left arm.”