Shock as awful shop closes

Shoppers have reacted with shock to the news that Britain’s leading retailer of slightly ill-fitting clothes is to close.

British Home Stores, long seen as the experts when it comes to shiny, itchy fabric, has filed for bankruptcy despite occupying a niche position.

“With so few of our competitors making shirts that continually ride up, we assumed our place on the High Street was assured,” said managing director Darren Topp.

“But it seems that even our range of pre-laddered tights wasn’t enough to save us. It’s a shame really: we spent thousands developing a gusset that would always be slightly off-centre.”

Topp had to sit down during the press conference because his socks were too tight.

He solemnly showed photographers the grooves left around his ankles, before shaking his head slowly and showering the room with sparks from his collar.

British Home Stores has struggled to compete with cheap imports from China, a country which has now mastered the technology to ensure a zip fly never quite stays at the top.

“It’s time to throw in the towel,” confessed Topp.

“Could you move that cup? I’m not supposed to get these wet. Oops, sorry madam. Did it scratch some skin off your face?”

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