Magic mushrooms can also treat colds, insists weirdo

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A strange man with memory issues has insisted that magic mushrooms shouldn’t just be used to treat depression, but a range of ailments including ‘tired legs’ and ‘feeling a bit sniffly’.

Simon Williams, who lives in a van and seemed to have a moth in his beard, told reporters that he took ‘shrooms’ for a wide range of maladies.

And for 100% of his medical trial, they’d had a positive effect: even proving effective for a ‘fairly traumatic’ paper cut.

“Apart from the appalling stomach ache and the moments of blind, screaming terror, I’d recommend that they should be in every person’s first aid kit,” drooled Williams.

“I keep mine in an owl that smells of Bernard Cribbins. No, don’t look straight at it: you’ll anger it into lactating more string.”

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Since Albert Hofmann’s invention of LSD in 1938, people have suggested psychedelics can be used to treat depression.

“Hofmann reported that LSD made him feel euphoric, and pushed for it to be used in a controlled trial,” explained Williams.

“But he barely scratched the surface. For instance, I use psilocybin to treat everything from household chores, to even mild feelings of reality.”