People who like to decorate proper food with lettuce are being urged to wash it, before throwing it away.
“Placing a small pile of leaves on your plate can really show off a pulled pork doughnut”, said food scientist Simon Williams.
“But before you do, remember to scrub it with Dettol: you don’t want to risk getting green in your mouth.”
Williams went on to explain that many people still feel the need to buy ‘plants’ and pretend they’re going to eat them.
He continued, “But even the chocolatiest cereals are fortified with vitamins these days, so there’s really no need to risk it.”
A recent e-coli outbreak was linked to the evils of salad, which Williams described as ‘basically a toilet for slugs’.
“I suppose you could run those cherry tomatoes through the dishwasher before you push them behind that pile of frosted curly fries, but is it worth the risk of a trip to A&E?” he asked.
“Particularly since your shit diet gave you diabetes and glaucoma: you know you shouldn’t really be driving.”