NRA advises citizens to stock up on weapons to fend off blizzards

author avatar by 8 years ago

The National Rifle Association has issued an emergency pamphlet, explaining how to tackle snow drifts using only an armful of weapons.

“Namby pamby politicians are saying we should make sure we have food, and stay in our houses,” said NRA president James Porter II.

“But our members do not hide when faced with the threat of snow: they stand defiantly on their roof tops, firing blindly and freely into the blizzard.”

Porter suggested, given the scale of the snowstorms that have been forecast, his fellow shootists should consider some heavy caliber weapons, and possibly a few grenades.

“An icy driveway is an uncleared and present danger,” insisted Porter, “But loosing a few rounds at it will let that bastard know who’s boss.”

NewsThump Hoodies

On the rear of the pamphlet, there are instructions for surviving if the storm lasts longer than expected.

“If you’re snowed in, there are some fundamentals you need to attend to,” explained Porter to those gathered.

“So we’ve explained how you can use the wooden bit at the back of a shotgun to safely wipe your bottom. And then there are tips on how to open a can of soup, with an automatic assault rifle.

“Or why not chop up a couple of Colts, and make a tempting chilli-gun-carne?”

Weather channels are predicting the snow could last up to a fortnight.

Several counties have declared a state of emergency, which allows rescuers to deliver extra guns to any families who have managed to wear theirs out.