Everyone amazed that ‘contempt of Parliament’ is a crime

After the boss of Sports Direct was threatened with ‘Contempt of Parliament’, the entire population of Britain has slowly realised that they’ve all been criminals for ages.

With a steady stream of allegations of fraud, sexual abuse and embezzlement, Parliament is considered by everyone to be a difficult thing to hold in high regard.

As a result, swathes of people are now queuing outside the UK’s already overcrowded prisons, offering to give themselves up for a crime they can offer no real defence for.

“It goes without saying that I have nothing but contempt for Parliament,” said Simon Williams.

“Ignorance of the law is no excuse, unless you’re an MP filling in an expenses form, for example.”

Williams admitted that his behaviour makes him as bad as Mike Ashley.

“I may not have threatened or bullied thousands of workers, but rules are there for a reason. So I guess I’ll be locked up in the same cell as Mike, who I now realise is my partner in crime.”

Everyone in the country could be out early with good behaviour, putting a massive strain on the probation service.

But Williams isn’t sure he’s ready to go straight.

“Hating MPs is a victimless crime”, he suggested, “or at least, the victims of the crime are the ones committing it.

“And being inside means we can’t vote if we want to, so hopefully they’ll all soon go away.”

Advertisement

NewsThumpNotebooks

Somewhere to write down everything that’s wrong with the world. You may need several.

See the full collection →