Government to stick health warnings directly onto fat people

Following surprise reactions to news that sickly, syrupy drinks may contain sugar, the government will commence sticking warnings straight onto the obese.

“Before this research, we assumed people knew that sweet things taste like that because of the amount of sugar in them,” said health official Dr Haemoduh.

“But it turns out that some people don’t realise this, unless you make a song and dance about it.”

The new warning, which is applied with a sweat and grease-resistant glue, will warn obese people that if something tastes nice, they should probably stick it in the bin.

“That covers a lot of food groups, from tins of syrup to deep-fried butter,” said Haemoduh.

“If your clothes tighten while you’re still chewing, maybe swap it for a salad.”

Companies such as Starbucks have been accused of taking advantage of the chubby, by selling them things they crave but lack the self-will to turn down.

“Hopefully, this new label will make people think twice, or at least once,” said the doctor.

Haemoduh claimed that when the morbidly obese see health warnings, ‘their eyes tend to glaze over’.

“That’s because of the amount of sugar in their tears,” he explained.

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