Theresa May has applauded the police for responding on social media to 95% of reported crimes, within five minutes.
Under previous governments, the majority of crimes barely received so much as a hashtag, but in 2015 everything from brutal acts of violence to minor parking infringements were favourited a record number of times.
“This shows that the police are very much in touch with modern Britain,” said May.
“While they may not have the manpower to make actual arrests, most criminals now face a prompt trial by media.”
While police call centres are still technically manned, the home secretary admitted that the sheer abundance of alternative phone numbers available meant that reporting an offence on Facebook was much more likely to garner a response.
“There might not be an officer available immediately to track the offender,” said May.
“But there should be one who can follow you on Twitter.”
May claimed that the government would meet targets to increase police numbers, but shadow home secretary Andy Burnham disagreed.
“This government is clearly manipulating the figures,” he insisted.
“You can’t claim to have recruited fifty officers just because a PCSO has been retweeted that number of times.”