Tim Peake already wondering if he left the gas on
Britain’s first astronaut is already wondering if he left the gas on, according to scientists this morning.
David Cameron successfully negotiates free Little Chef lollipop
Prime Minister David Cameron has sharpened his negotiation skills ahead of a meeting with EU leaders, by successfully arguing that he should have a free lollipop.
Kim Jong-un claims North Korea ‘has dihydrogen monoxide bomb’
Glorious Leader Kim Jong-un has praised his North Korean scientists, after the team successfully tested a dihydrogen monoxide bomb.
Step ladder firm raided in crackdown on ‘legal highs’
Ministers have denied that they are ‘out of touch’ with youth culture, after police raided a warehouse full of step ladders.
Calls for Arts Council to subsidise Star Wars tickets
With the price of cinema tickets rising sharply for the much-anticipated Star Wars film, there are calls for the Arts Council to make it more accessible for poorer families.
Cameron ‘will fit Syria bombing around Christmas TV schedule’
David Cameron has bolstered support for bombing ISIS, by reassuring broadcasters that it won’t clash with the festive TV schedule.
Irish lawyers looking forward to ‘big day’ of first gay divorce
With same-sex weddings just around the corner, Irish lawyers are rushing to pick out a new suit for the first gay divorce.
Cameron hails ‘green shoots of recovery’ in UK’s Panda output
David Cameron has cited the UK’s ‘significant rise in panda output’ as proof that the coalition’s economic policies are working.
Spanish population slowly returning to Spain after visit from Jeremy Clarkson
The people of Spain are slowly returning to their country this morning, after fleeing to avoid a visit by Jeremy Clarkson.
Public suddenly experts in aircraft crash investigations
Officials in South Korea have thanked the Great British layman, and his sudden ability to wade into the complex world of air crash investigations.
Research shows toddlers who sleep in four-poster beds ‘more likely to go to Eton’
Researchers have made a startling discovery about how a child’s academic prospects might be improved: they’ve found a link between sleeping in a castle, and then Going On To Eton.
On this day in history: Met police solve Jack the Ripper case – victims blamed
London’s Metropolitan Police have finally solved the mystery of ‘Jack the Ripper’, after successfully making up stories about the victims.
Clapping contagion outbreak traced to Bruce Forsyth
Medics have sealed off Bruce Forsyth and doused him with bleach, after discovering that he’s the source of an outbreak of dull, moronic clapping.
AA reveals 85% of middle-lane hogs are actually journalists
With every newspaper in the country producing at least two stories in support of ‘middle-lane hogs’, the AA has concluded that hacks are now the main source of congestion on Britain’s motorway network.
Church calls for ‘fertility checks’ before allowing straight marriage
The Church of England has sought to clarify its objection to gay marriage, claiming that ‘marriage should be all about procreation’.
Sky News blames Hillsborough on miners strike
A Sky News documentary will tonight make the astonishing claim that the Hillsborough disaster was the fault of Arthur Scargill.
North Korea locks up holiday maker ‘to nip tourism from US in the bud’
Glorious utopia North Korea has sentenced an American tourist to 15 years hard labour, as a warning to other brash yanks to ‘stay away’.
‘Practice run’ for Nick Clegg funeral takes place behind bins at Tesco
Britain’s longest-serving Lib Dem deputy PM declared he was ‘honoured to be a part’ of today’s practice funeral, but has insisted on the addition of some air holes.
Sky wins television rights to Thatcher funeral
News International has once again buried its competitors, by winning the lucrative TV rights for Margaret Thatcher’s final curtain.
‘Racist, drug-taking’ Youth PCC promoted to Chief Constable
Kent’s first youth police and crime commissioner (PCC) has been promoted to Chief Constable, after her tweets revealed an uncaring monster.
Goth records to be criminalised
In a desperate attempt to cheer up the people of Manchester, Goth music will be criminalised from midday.
David Miliband leaves UK now to avoid rush when Ed Miliband is elected
David Miliband has confirmed he is to leave the country shortly, well before his brother has a chance to make matters even worse.
Diane Abbott ‘literally finds everything arousing’
MP for Hackney Diane Abbott is demanding a ban on anything moist, firm or pink, after suffering sexual exhaustion during a walk down her high street.
Ed Balls urges obese patients to eat ‘plenty more pies’
Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has slammed the government’s policy on fat people, insisting the only way to lose weight is to eat more.
Budget expected to contain Harlem Shake
Chancellor George Osborne will deliver his fourth budget this afternoon, to a grinding Trap soundtrack and backbenchers in wigs.
Tony Blair ‘has no regrets’ about stabbing tramps to death in street
Tony Blair has told journalists that he believed ‘deeply and sincerely’ that the tramps he murdered in a town 15 miles away posed a ‘significant threat’ to his safety.
Beautiful, wise leaders impose controls on ugly, stupid press
Three wonderful leaders of the greatest country in the world have valiantly defeated the press, we are pleased to report with no outside influence.
Next Pope to be chosen ‘by natural selection’
The Catholic church has revealed an evolutionary plan to leave the choice of Pontiff to natural selection.
Large-eyed neanderthals ‘invented HDTV before the wheel’
Scientists have revealed the real reason neanderthals died out, following the discovery of a primitive flat screen TV in a cave in the Dordogne.
Lying about speeding much worse than starting illegal wars, confirms Justice System
The British legal system has sent a stark warning to politicians, concerning the limits of their dreadful behaviour.
