Ed Balls urges obese patients to eat ‘plenty more pies’

author avatar by 11 years ago

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has slammed the government’s policy on fat people, insisting the only way to lose weight is to eat more.

Balls recently decided to tackle his own slight weight problem, by dramatically increasing his pie intake and not chewing properly.

“Pies stimulate the appetite”, insisted the now 47-stone Member of Parliament.

“If we’re serious about dieting, cutting back on calories won’t help: the only real solution is to eat our way out.”

Representatives from the key Jelly and Wobbly Meats industries have backed Balls, and produced plans for ever-bigger pies that would be increasingly hard to swallow.

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“That’s the way lad, keep shovelling them in as fast as you can”, suggested Tony Barrett of the Pastry pressure group ‘Cut the Tops’.

“Dozens of people who’ve done this diet are back to their birth weights. Although the massive heart attacks and cremations may have helped to massage those figures.”

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George Osborne dismissed the plan without really listening, and idly crossing out a doodle he’d done of some poor people.

Tipping the scales at less than 55 kilos, the not particularly waif-like Chancellor refused to pass comment.

“That’s because we took the prudent step of having his jaw wired closed”, explained Vince Cable. “Not for his diet, we just wanted him to shut up.”

Speaking for the Coalition, Cable insisted the ‘No Food at All’ diet was perfectly safe, particularly for those who could afford to supplement it with the odd swan burger or caviar sandwich.

“Any starvation you might experience is entirely coincidental”, he claimed.

“I’m sure we can all afford to lose a few more pounds.”