Thursday 6 June 2013 by Waylandsmithy

AA reveals 85% of middle-lane hogs are actually journalists

With every newspaper in the country producing at least two stories in support of ‘middle-lane hogs’, the AA has concluded that hacks are now the main source of congestion on Britain’s motorway network.

Dictating bile into a little tape thingy as he cruised the M40 at 38 miles an hour, Daily Mail polemicist Harvey Trenchard claimed that new rules to promote courteous driving ‘would be like living in Nazi Germany’.

“If I’m not veering heavily to the right, you’ll find me in the middle”, roared Trenchard. “That way, people in both the other lanes can admire my new Audi.”

Julie Burchill took the opportunity to wind people up, by saying the opposite to what a normal person might think. Sitting inside a 1950’s fridge pulled by two massive gypsies, Burchill caused a tailback of 85 miles as she was dragged around the M25.

“I always travel like this”, claimed Burchill, as she tucked into a kitten sandwich. “If you don’t like it, you’re probably a big sexist.”

Pausing only to whip the smaller of the two strong men who she’d had dressed in latex, she claimed her method of transport was ‘as sustainable as it was impossibly awkward’.

Middle lane ‘research’

The coalition has pledged to crack down on columnists who slowly go round and round London’s ring road, as they make up stories about Birmingham.

Police will be given powers to issue on-the-spot fines to people found using the motorway, in any of the lanes that the officer isn’t currently thinking of.

“It’s a step in the right direction, especially in and around our congested capital”, claimed one superintendent.

“Besides, many in the Metropolitan Police are already familiar with being given money by journalists.”

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