Tuesday 9 July 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Research shows toddlers who sleep in four-poster beds ‘more likely to go to Eton’

Researchers have made a startling discovery about how a child’s academic prospects might be improved: they’ve found a link between sleeping in a castle, and then Going On To Eton.

Until now, little research has been carried out into how going to bed early with a belly-full of swan can affect a child’s cognitive abilities – but these latest findings show it doesn’t matter, because they have a lot of money.

Charles Frisham thinks there could be a direct correlation between being tucked into a four-poster bed by a butler, and growing up thinking it’s acceptable to wear red trousers and a blazer.

“My team and I spent several months studying the bed-time habits of the under-5s”, said Frisham.

“Although we concentrated on the big houses in the end, because some of the small ones were quite grubby.”

Child academic research

Frisham also proved a link between consuming microwave burgers and blue pop, and not going to a half-decent prep school.

“Worse still is the damage done by parents that don’t make you go to bed before midnight because they’ve been drinking White Lightning all afternoon”, said Frisham.

“With that sort of routine you’re 85% more likely to end up in a school where the only apparatus on the playground is a burnt-out Subaru Impreza.”

Frisham claimed just a few simple changes could help improve the prospects of a toddler.

“It’s the little things that make a difference”, he explained. “Having a nanny, owning a few ponies or being on the civil list.”

Frisham believes that every parent can give their offspring the best start in life, if they move to Chipping Norton and make an effort with the neighbours.

“Who knows, one day your child could be doing something really meaningful with their life”, he suggested.

“Such as carrying out research projects into the Incredibly Fucking Obvious.”

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