Tuesday 4 June 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Church calls for ‘fertility checks’ before allowing straight marriage

The Church of England has sought to clarify its objection to gay marriage, claiming that ‘marriage should be all about procreation’.

But in order to appear fair the church will now carry out some basic fertility checks, before deigning to allow straight people to marry.

“Marriage isn’t about love, social acceptance or respecting fellow human beings”, claimed Archbishop Welby.

“It’s about knocking out a christian baby as soon as possible.”

Women well into their 50s will no longer be allowed to marry in a church, and neither will men of any age who have undergone ‘the snip’.

But while older couples will be easy for the church to wheedle out and make an example of, Welby called for more intrusive tests to be performed on the young.

Gay marriage objections

Standing beside a 1997 Ford Transit with an airbrushed cross and vagina on the side, Welby unveiled his new mobile womb examination unit.

“With the Lord’s blessing, this vehicle will tour parishes in hard to reach rural areas”, said the UK’s senior vicar.

“Inside, a cleric with a magnifying glass will assess a girl’s fertility to make sure nothing barren slips through the net. And we’ll be toying with the young man’s todger, to make sure he can get it up.”

While Welby agreed that everyone is equal in the eyes of the Lord, he suggested God had less time for those who put their genitals in the wrong place.

“Before we agree to take 500 quid off you and formally recognise your love, we need to check first that you’re not an affront to God”, said Welby.

“It doesn’t matter how well you get on if you’re not going to breed, but there’s always other options open to those who insist on being homosexual.”

“They could consider a career in the church.”

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