Prime Minister David Cameron has sharpened his negotiation skills ahead of a meeting with EU leaders, by successfully arguing that he should have a free lollipop.
After just an hour and 45 minutes, Cameron won the concession in a Little Chef on the outskirts of Ashford.
In return, the PM agreed to ’empty his plate’, and spend seven hours doing the washing up.
It’s not yet clear whether he managed to secure a 2013 road atlas.
“This is a great building block for my talks with fellow Europeans”, said Cameron.
“I’ve asked for something I was going to get anyway, and only had to give away some back-breaking labour in return.”
Buoyed by his success, Cameron later secured a free coffee top-up at a McDonald’s, after agreeing to pour the first cupful down his trousers.
“It was painful, but we got there”, he soothed.
“My genitals felt like they were clutched in agony. It was the perfect preparation for meeting Angela Merkel this evening.”